2001 will be a year I will never forget as long as I shall live.
I had started to have a few problems early on so the doctors were keeping a close eye on me. I started to have pains and cramping about 2 weeks after we found out I was pregnant so I went in for a check up. The Dr. checked me and said everything was looking good but lets do an sono-gram just to make sure the baby wasn’t in my tubes. So we did. And when the Dr. put the ultrasound on my tummy mom and I looked at each other kind of funny. We saw 2 heart beats. But the Dr. kind of shrugged it off and said you are seeing things. I’m not sure if that’s what you think it is. An passed it off as a yoke sac.
On Feb. 14, 2001, I started to spot bleed and so the Dr. wanted me to do another sono-gram at the hosp. That was so funny when we saw what we had thought the few weeks before. This time it was my mom, Darrell and I in the room. This is a day that will be forever in my mind. The sono tech put the ultrasound on my tummy and he said "has anyone told you that you are carrying twins." I looked at Darrell and my mom and started to laugh. My mom and I both said, see we knew it was twins. Laughing out loud. My husband was floored. It was so funny. The look on his face said it all. He was so happy and scared at the same time. He said Tricia I have to call your dad and tell him. We were all laughing and crying at the same time. It was the neatest thing I could ever imagine. I had 2 babies inside me instead of one. I was so happy. The sono tech was laughing cause we were all with such mixed emotions. This was a very special day and it just happen to also be Valentines Day. So it made Valentines better for all of us. My dad was in disbelief and so was the rest of my family but they were all so happy for Darrell and I.
So after we told everyone I got on the computer to try and find out whatever I could about twins. The first story that came up was called Twin to twin transfusion syndrome. Which is a disorder of the placenta with Identical twins. I read over it and just kind of put it in the back of my head and read other stories about twins. So I got off work and went home not really thinking any negative stuff. When we got home that night we sat down and talked to Ashley about mommy being pregnant and told her we weren’t just having one baby but we were having 2. She was more excited than the rest of us. She said "Mommy they are girls." I want little sisters and no brothers." I laughed at her so hard. The whole family was so happy and especially Ashley. She has been asking for a baby for a few years so this was so neat to her to have 2 sisters or brothers to come home.
Things went well for awhile but we knew things weren’t exactly right. I started to get really sick and having problems the further the pregnancy went on. But I was still happy about the babies. We picked names pretty soon after we found out. If they were girls the names were "Courtney Dianna and Kerstine Lee" but if the were boys the names were " Dustin Lynn and Dewayne Allan." But Ashley kept saying mom they are girls. No boys or we will take them back. Lol. We were seeing the doctor every 2 weeks for one reason or another.
(April 13, 2001)On my 16 week of pregnancy we were doing a sono-gram and the tech left the room in a hurry and said she needed to get my chart. I looked at Darrell and said something must be wrong. And started to get nervous. The sono tech came back in the room and said well we need to send you to see a perinatologist. One of the babies has excess fluid. I started to cry being scared. So I walked out of the room and asked my nurse what was wrong and she said we aren’t truly sure but you will go see Dr. Frank Anderson in a few weeks to check. So I went back to work and started to try and find out what would cause excess fluid. A few things popped up. Downs Syndrome, and stuff like that and also Twin to twin transfusion syndrome (TTTS). I kind of shrugged it off and said the babies will be fine. God gave me 2 babies and I would take them home. That 2 week wait was probably one of the hardest things I had ever went through at this time. I did as much research as I possibly could to try and find out what could cause a polyhydramnios baby. But everything still showed TTTS. So when I went to see Dr. Anderson I was prepared for almost anything. But I was still not prepared for TTTS.
(4-27-01)This was one of the worst days of the pregnancy. I went in and we talked about what all could be wrong and the lady and I were talking but she never said anything about TTTS so I kind of shrugged it off again. So when I went in for the level 11 Sono I don’t think I was really prepared for what he had to say. He put the sono on me and said yeap you definitely have a baby with poly-hydramnios. And also a baby that is oligo-hydramnios. (Low fluid) and I looked at him and said your telling me I have TTTS aren’t you. He looked at me in disbelief and said yes how do you know about this. I told him its called research. I started to cry uncontrollably. My mom called Darrell and told him he needed to get up to the hospital now. That the babies had TTTS. Which he really didn’t know about because I didn’t want to worry him. I knew what the chances were if I ever got it. And we still weren’t sure if we were carrying identical twins or not. Well this was a positive to carrying identical twins. And Dr. Anderson looked at me and told me that we definitely had girls. Courtney always was showing off what she was. Legs wide open. The Dr. looked at me and told me I had 3 choices with this syndrome and they are:
Do nothing and they babies will die with in a week.
Do an Amnio reduction which would pull fluid from Courtney and give Kerstine a chance to try and produce fluid.
A laser surgery that was not done here in Texas.
So I got on the phone with Darrell and told him I wanted to do the amnio-reduction and see if it helped and if it didn’t then I wanted to do the Laser surgery. So I told the Doctor the same and Went outside to wait for Darrell. Darrell got there about 30 minutes later. I was crying the whole time mom and I were waiting. And kept asking God why would you give me 2 precious little girls and make them sick so I may never get to hold them alive. I never really knew if that was true or if it would be ok. So around 1:00 P.M. we went back to Dr. Anderson’s office and did the Amnio-reduction. I was so scared but would do anything to keep the babies. An Amnio-reduction consists of putting a needle into the larger sac and pulling fluid. So I was really nervous about the large needle going into my tummy. But I wanted to try anything. So we did it and all went well. They put me in the hosp to monitor me for contractions, but none came so the next day I went home.
When I got on the Internet again and remembered seeing a foundation for TTTS. So I emailed them, asking for what info they had on this syndrome. The next day in the mail I received a packet from them that contained a book that told all about the syndrome and what you could do to try and save your babies and what chances you have. I had a 33% chance that one baby might live. And about 15% chance to have both of them but I knew it was going to be a very hard road. So I read that book and wouldn’t put it down. My husband took it away from me so I would get rest. He was a very big supporter thru all of this. He was as scared as I was about all of it. And we didn’t tell Ashley because we didn’t want her to get upset. He started doing everything for me and the babies. I wasn’t allowed to do anything but lay down and go to the bathroom. So he became a Mr. mom.
I was 18 weeks pregnant at this time so I knew it would be a while before the babies even had a chance. When I got the book and started reading about the laser surgery and emailed Dr. De Lia about my situation. This was on Saturday that I emailed him and Sunday Morning about 8:00 a.m. he called me. We started talking about the findings and he said I want you to start a few things and lets see if this will help your girls. The first thing he told me to do was to get on HIGH Protein Ensure +, 3 times a day. An to start eating as much protein as I could get in my body, because one thing that he has proven is that the poly baby has a higher protein level than me and I needed to get my protein level above hers to try and keep her from getting hydrops. (heart failure). This disease is where the bigger baby takes from the smaller baby due to sharing of blood vessels in the placenta. So Courtney was the recipient baby and Kerstine was the donor. And if we didn’t try to change things in my body that Kerstine could die do to the lack of blood (which means sever anemia). SO we talked for 45 minutes and he called from WI. He is a very nice man. I went out that day and got Ensure and Darrell and my mom went grocery shopping for high protein food. I kept in close contact each week with Dr. De Lia to let him know how things were going. The next week I went back to Dr. Anderson and he said Courtney had developed more fluid so we needed to do another amnio-reduction. They pulled 1200 cc’s this time and he said if anything seemed weird to call him. But things seemed to go good for the next week or two. But 2 weeks later on May 16, 2001 I went into see him again and things were not good at all. He said The bigger baby had developed hydrops. (Courtney) I started to cry because I was doing everything I was supposed to and it wasn’t helping like we had hoped. Dr. Anderson told me that if I didn’t go do the FLOC surgery (laser surgery) my girls would both die. So he called Dr. De Lia and told him what was going on and I headed home to pack for a flight to WI. That was one of the craziest days. We got home packed, talked to my mom and dad, and took care of where Ashley would stay while we were gone. And by 5:00 PM Darrell and I were on a plane to Milwaukee, WI. We got to Milwaukee and in a hotel about 8:30 P.M. And I called Dr. De Lia to let him know I was there and He said ok I will pick you up in the morning at 5:45 and take you to the hosp. To get ready for surgery. So Darrell and I went to eat and got back to the hotel and got what sleep we could being as nervous as we were.
(5/17/01)I got up about 4 cause I couldn’t sleep and got cleaned up for going the hosp. Dr. De Lia was there just like he said he would be at 5:45 a.m. and took us to St. Joseph’s Hospital. He dropped us off and then met us up in the room. This was a very scary day for us and we just had to take a chance to save Courtney and Kerstine. So around 1:00 P.M. I was schedule to do surgery after he made sure both girls were still alive and telling me what all the surgery consisted of. His plan was to go into the uterus and work on the blood vessels on the placenta. It could be iffy due to how my placenta was sitting. My placenta was odd. Part of it was posterior and part of it was anterior. Which means part was around the back and so was around the front of my uterus. He had never seen anything like that so it was not going to be easy to laser all the blood vessels the girls shared if he couldn’t see them. So he went in and started surgery and said when I woke up he thought he got all the connecting blood vessels but wasn’t sure due to the part of the placenta he couldn’t see. Darrell and I told him he did what he could and we thanked him for doing what he could.
A few days later, We did another sono and we finally had some good news. Kerstine the donor baby had started to produce fluid. Which was great news but Courtney was still very hydropic. We were so happy. At least we knew one baby was starting to show good signs. So On Tuesday May 22, 2001 we headed back to Texas and to be with our family. I was still put on bed rest for the remainder of the pregnancy. But I didn’t care cause the babies looked a little better. So I called Dr. Anderson Wed. And told him I was back and he said he wanted to see before he had to go to a conference at the end of the week. So I went to see him and told him all about what had happened in WI and he seemed pleased. So he did a sonogram and said Kerstine is no longer stuck that is really good news. But he still wanted to still put you in the hosp. Until I deliver them and lets do that next week.
So the next week I came into the office and he put me in the hosp. That was Thurs. May 31, 2001. On Friday things didn't look to good the girls hearts kept de-celling (decreasing). So they started to keep a very close eye on them. The next morning which was June 2, 2001 they put me down in Labor and Delivery so they could monitor me none stop and do sonograms on me every 2 hours. While I was in L&D I was not allowed to eat. And From Dr. De Lia that was very important. That was a very long day and night. But the girls seemed to be stable so around 8:00 am June 3, 2001 Dr. Graham said we would go on every 4 hours sonograms so maybe I could rest. At 9:00 am things went down hill. Dr. McGee has went on call and was sitting looking at the monitor (I guess) and said Oh my it looks like the little baby is going down. So he ran into my room and asked me if the smaller baby was going down if he was supposed to go in and try to save her. And I said yes. But I looked at him and said she was fine before now. This was the worst day of my life. He looked at the nurse and said we have to get her into surgery and try and save these babies. So they prepared me and ran me down the hall to the Operation Room. I was so scared I didn't know what to do other than to let the Doctors do there jobs. So I was laying there in the operating room on the table thinking god just help me through this and keep my babies safe. At 9:08 A.M. both girls were born due to an emergency C-section. I was asleep so I didn't get to see the girls born. They tell me that Courtney took 3 breathes and started bleeding from her mouth. She lived 8 minutes she weighed 1 lb 15 ozs. And Kerstine well she was a little fighter. She only weighed 9 ozs. And lived 35 minutes. She died at 9:43 a.m. When my husband got there they were doing CPR on Kerstine and he told them to stop that our precious little ones had suffered enough and he didn’t want them to suffer any more. I bet that was the hardest thing in the world for him to do. He loves Courtney and Kerstine as much as I do so I know he was dying inside having to tell them to stop. They stopped CPR and Kerstine didn’t breath again. She was so tiny that she had a very little chance of ever living a normal life or living any at all.
About an hour or 2 later they finally woke me up and all the family was there. I remember this like it was right this moment. Darrell looked at me with these eyes that said God I don't want her to know what has happened and In the distance I saw my mom and dad crying. But I only thought that Courtney had died I never had a thought that Kerstine did too. So when the Doctor came in he had tears in his eyes too and I knew things weren’t right. He said Tricia I need to talk to you. An I said ok Dr, McGee whets wrong. He told me that both of my precious little girls had died. I started to cry and said NO. Why did they die. What happen and he said they just weren’t strong enough to live. I cried more and reached for Darrell thinking Oh my God why us? We wanted our babies so bad and they are now no longer here with us. I was so upset but don't remember crying a lot. I started to hurt to they gave me pain meds. And then gave me a PCA for the morphine injections. I remember sitting there not knowing what to say or do other than cry. I was then confronted with do you want to see Courtney and Kerstine and I said YES PLEASE. My mom and dad were there with me talking to me and everyone around me kept asking me if I was ok. WAS I OK? What do you think was my thought. My whole family was there that day. They all wanted to support Darrell and I to let us know they loved us. The rest of the day is kind of a blur to me. I remember seeing a lot of people but I was in shock. I love my girls and wanted them with me. I remember when They brought Courtney and Kerstine to me though. I remember seeing how tiny they were and how I was really scared of them. I didn't want to say GOOD BYE. All I wanted to do was hold them and tell them how much I loved them and how I wish they were still alive. They were the most beautiful little angels I had ever seen. I don't know how long I held them but Its doesn't seem long enough now. I wish everyday I was still holding them in my arms loving them.
But the next hardest part was to tell Ashley. She had stayed the night with my Aunt the night before and was at church when all of this happened. So my mom got a hold of my Aunt and Ashley got to the hosp about 5:00 p.m. And Darrell and I sat down and talked to her about her sisters. We told her that her sisters were not in mommies tummy anymore and she was so excited. And she said mommy I want to see Courtney and Kerstine where are they. Darrell and I both started crying and said Ashley darling your little sisters went to be with god in heaven. She started crying and screaming NO mommy what happen to my baby sisters. And I had asked her if she remembered when mommy and daddy told her that Courtney and Kerstine were sick and may not make it home. And she said yes mommy. And I said well God need your little sisters for his Angels. He needed them with him to help keep all of us here on earth safe. She still was crying and said mommy I want my sisters here though. I said I know you do and so do we but God has already taken them to be with him. She didn’t really understand and said ok well I still want my sisters. And we sat there crying together for a little while and she left with my brother a while later.
After Ashley left Darrell’s dad and step mom showed up. They drove all the way from Austin to come see us and tell us how sorry they were to hear about the girls. And a few more of my cousins showed up. Lisa and Sherry. And we went to see the girls. They were down in Labor and Delivery in a holding room. They were dressed so pretty and I picked them up and started to cry again. I held Kerstine 1st and told her mommy already missed her dearly and was so sorry that she wasn’t with me anymore and then picked up Courtney and told her the same thing but also told Courtney I was sorry she had suffer so long and mommy wished she wouldn’t have been sick. Courtney was sick so much longer than Kerstine and it was killing me to see her so sick.
They girls were identical twins but seems so differ due to the difference in there sizes. Courtney weighed 1 lb. 15 ozs. So they looked nothing alike. But they were Identical.. They had different personalities and different ways already before they were born. Courtney was very active and powerful with what she did and Kerstine was more of a easy laid back person. They were so different to me and they hadn’t even lived outside of me. It is July 26, 2001 and it has been a very hard road for the whole family. We buried the girls side by side in a white and gold casket. With angels on it. When we buried The girls the were in identical outfits and had identical bears from Ashley and identical rattles that played music. Courtney and Kerstine were buried June 9, 2001. Ashley told Darrell and my mom that they needed toys to play with in heaven. They had matching blankets and one that held them together as they were in me. They both looked like they were at peace with this look on there face of mommy don't worry about me I am safe now. I am with God and he will keep me warm at night. That made me a little more at peace with what has happened. I know that god had a plan for my two precious daughters but so did I. I miss them more and more each day. They are in my heart and soul. It is my time to fight the battle against TTTS for them and I will until the day that I go join them. I go see them when I can and I talk about them everyday. I love Courtney and Kerstine with all my heart and they will stay there until I can join them. Ashley still cries for them pretty much daily and we try to pray to them every night. Last night me and Ashley were praying and Ashley asked God to let us talk to Courtney and Kerstine. And the next thing I knew there was something different about Ashley’s room.
I believe that when Ashley is old enough to understand what all happened to her sisters she will also fight to save all she can. Ashley is a very loving and sweet child but she is always so high strung I get overwhelmed with her. I will always want her to be here with me, as I always will wish the girls were too. Ash is a very smart girl and very lively child. She keeps me on my toes. That’s for sure. I have started to try and show her just how much I love her. Before I guess I showed her but not like I do now. This ordeal has given me a different light about things. I don't take for granted what I have anymore. I love it all and try to make it where everyone around me understand that too.
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